Here there be monsters?

(Photo: Dave Baker)

Rep. Tim Burchett is tilting at one of Washington’s oldest windmills: the bipartisan, deeply entrenched addiction to trading stocks while writing the laws that move markets.

It’s a noble quest, if not a fool’s errand. Capitol Hill insists it can police itself, but some evidence suggests otherwise. Every reform attempt gets swallowed by the same swampy vortex—delay, denial, and procedural quicksand.

Burchett is trying anyway, calling out a system that behaves less like a legislature and more like a well-dressed hedge fund

“This is a fistfight, folks," Rep. Burchett told the press this week. "I need to thank Chairman Stiles and the House Administration Committee for taking this up, because I realize what we’re up against."

"Everybody talks about this place being a dadgum swamp," Rep. Burchett complained. "It’s not a swamp. A swamp is something cool God created. It filters water; animal life lives and flourishes around it. This is a sewer. This is created by man — and it needs to stop."

"For years, Congress has been using hardworking American taxpayers’ money to get rich," he said. "Dadgum, it’s got to stop. America knows what the heck’s going on. Everybody wants to knock Pelosi. Heck, she’s not even in the top ten. Get on that Unusual Whales site. This is pathetic, folks. We all know what’s going on. Congress knows what the hell’s going on — and it needs to stop. This body has been enriching itself on the taxpayers’ dime for too dadgum long, and it’s got to stop."

"This place is crooked," Burchett added. "Crooked as a dog’s leg. That’s an old East Tennessee saying — but it’s the truth, and it needs to stop. America knows what’s going on.We’re in committee meetings. We hear things before y’all do. We can make those connections. When you see a member of this body making 45, 600 trades a year, you know something’s wrong."

"Everybody ought to do like I do," he suggested. "I’ve got my buddy Tommy Siler who invested in my mutual fund. I ended up having to cash it out because my daughter’s going to school. I’m not a wealthy man. But look — this thing is broken, and it needs to be fixed. And this is the right avenue to do it. And I want to say something — I’m going to get these guys mad at me, but I really don’t care because they can’t vote in my district."

"This thing ain’t going to pass," Burchett predicted of his recent efforts at legislating the problem. "We’re going to pass something in the House, and then guess what? The Senate will either (1) not take it up, or (2) they’ll come back in righteous indignation and say, “Oh, we need to make this stronger,” something totally ridiculous — and they’ll send it back to us."

"This is a scam that’s being played on the American public, and it needs to stop," he raged. "Let’s quit with this nonsense. Let’s give America a reason to trust Congress for once in our miserable lives.This is our chance to stand up and say, “We hear what you’re saying, America. We’re gonna fix this dadgum problem.” But we probably won’t do it. And I’ll remain ticked off the rest of the day because of this. And it needs to stop."

"I want to thank all these folks, really," he said. "I joke around about it — you want to talk about something where we’re all working together? Dadgummit, this is the issue. This is the issue where Democrats and Republicans — dadgummit, if I can stand up here with these two… yeah, these two.I mean, people back in East Tennessee are going, “What in the heck’s Burchett doing sitting next to proud Paul, for goodness’ sakes?” Well, I’m not gonna beat her in her district, and she sure as heck ain’t gonna come down to East Tennessee and beat me. But this is an issue America is united on. We ought to get behind this thing."

"Y’all in the press — it would make a hell of a lot of sense if y’all would put the pressure on Congress and make us do the right thing for once in our miserable lives," he asked. "Thank y’all. Sorry, I’m so jacked up."

Is there any hope for change? Or, as the old maps warned, here there be monsters?

Will Rep. Burchett find widespread bipartisan support for his efforts? Or does the cheese stand alone in Washington?

(Contributing writer, Brooke Bell)